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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2008.10.23  11.34


I love the fall. Bout time its here.

This year...just seems blah.
Really got nothing going on.

::sigh::

  
 


 
  2008.05.15  01.21


Well you're the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didn't last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I couldn't understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didn't die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past.
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the
Things I do.
And you can't lose what you never had
I don't understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you.

I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past

-------

No matter how many times you attempt to throw in the towel...it more often then not seems an impossible act. It just gets so tiring to play the game. Relentless ups and downs with euphoric times of happiness followed by endless sorrows.

Whether I want it or not, I'm getting a fresh start.

  
 


 
  2008.03.23  12.56


Well, there he goes he hardly knows the heart he's breaking
I talked to him but I don't think he understood
So just forget about the plans that you were making
Heart we did all that we could.

Don't blame these lips, these hungry lips were pleading for you
They used all the tender words that they should
And if you break and fall apart I couldn't blame you heart
We did all that we could.

--- Instrumental ---

These misty eyes, these tear filled eyes were picture taken
Grading all the memories that they could
They're the only thing you'll have when you're through breakin'
Heart we did all that we could.

Heart we did all that we could...


  
 


 
  2008.03.11  13.34


First abandonment issues, now trust? Haha...ohhh universe. You hurt me so good.

  
 


 
  2008.02.01  00.37


I really don't understand the point I'm at anymore. I think I've become superficially happy, due to the fact that all signs point to the fact that I should be as such. I don't think I've ever felt quite this hollow before though.

Maybe it's the lying to myself that's the problem.

I'm currently debating the notion that you have one love in your lifetime and that's it. If you were foolish enough to fuck it up then thats it. It scares me, yet at the same time, I don't regret it. If that was to be my one...my only...then it was well lived and loved. I'll never look back and wish it undone. The only fear is that through that experience I've been spoiled, now that I have no choice but to move on. I put too much thought and hopes into new encounters in hopes of them blooming into something more, at a pace that is unconceivable. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to potential. I just want to be happy, and have a man be happy with me. Someone who wants to do anything and everything with me, not just the direct encounters held under the sheets at ungodly hours. I need more then that.

Just someone I can be me with. Do the stupid things. The in between things. The anythings. The everythings.

I just....I give up.

  
 


 
  2007.11.02  21.23


I feel that I have not accumulated enough worldly knowledge at this point in my young life. I want to truly become a classy lady and as such I feel there are a few things I must learn.

1) How to play the piano.
2) How to dance
3) Fluent in a foreign language.

That's all I have for now. But there will be more to come in the future I'm sure. I'll get started on those for now however.

  
 


 
  2007.10.23  12.25


The thick red curtains drew to a close across the stage as the two lone persons stood silently reflecting on their performance that evening. It was finally over. The muffled clapter gave way to memories of past enactments - the same script repeated time in and time out yet always the same underlying story. It was their story.

Chests still heaving and hearts pounding they turned to each other. Not a solitary word came to mind for either, only the longing gaze in their eyes which portrayed an entirely different tale then their tired bodies.

The story was told. People knew the words, the love, the power the emotion and heartbreak. The was over. 

Countless audiences and performances, but it was all coming to a close. The noise drifted away but neither moved. An eternity passed and just as it seemed they had read every possible detail of each other, every moment spent together revisited and lingered upon with longing embrace - it broke. 

She smiled- head lowering to her chest and a solitary tear staining heavy makeup. With hesitation, she walked towards the side of the stage and down the stairs, giving way to the next woman. It was time for a new story and this one was not to be hers.

  
 


 
  2007.09.29  23.17


So, I think I am done being single. Well, I want to be done, ya know?
In the past, I've always loved having someone there in the Fall. It is simply my favorite time of the year. There are soooo many things to do. Football games with a beer. Big piles of leaves to jump in. Pumpkins to carve. Sweet jesus there are pumpkins to carve. At least ten. Or more. And then, when I realize I absolutely suck at carving pumpkins we could go to the Pumpkin Spectacular at the Pawsox Field. Then, on a delightful Fall weekend head up to Salem for a picture taking spree.

Then, when all the amazing Autumn activities are done...we can go home. And make sweet sweet love.

Any one up for the position?



Music: Kings of Convenience 		 
 


 
  2007.09.07  01.18
I need to learn how to sleep at night.

I have to say, I'm more then happy with my classes this semester. No one is asking me to think analytically, but rather with my imagination. It's a different type of process, but I think within a few weeks I will be quite happy with my weekly routine, including homework and projects. First time in my career as a student that I can say that, actually. 

At the same time though, I've come to a very sad realization. I think I am more alone, at this point in time-than I have been in all the years I can remember. Everyone I have met and known in the past four years, have gone. They're out living their lives and making something of themselves. Even the men I've held so dear to my heart have seen ways to new relationships. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with the decisions I've made. You can't be. Living with regret is no way to live. 

I just feel very, very alone.



Mood: Duh? 		 
 


 
  2007.07.19  20.42


Things are coming to light in the most favorable of ways. My heart feels so....just...wonderful again. I feel like I haven't in so long now. I just freaking hope to God I do not screw it up. I can't. Not this time.

  
 


 
  2007.06.06  00.45
Monologue

--I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. 

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. 

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. --
--The Holiday--





Mood: hopeful 		 
 


 
  2007.06.05  18.45


So...the summer of '07.

Thus far, I have not been disappointed. Which is a surprise. I've already been to the beach several times, gone to the umbrella factory. I have taken a road trip over a hundred miles to see one hell of a guy...time that went by too quickly. I also started drawing again...not half badly. Ive enjoyed numerous s'mores already. I've had an incredible summer thus far...rarely a dull moment. However, what next? I feel like my life lacks so much...no job wants me...there is no constant...male companion. I know they seem like stupid things to yip about in comparison, but I'd rather have those two things constant and secure in my life...then all the other things I've done so far.

Weird, isn't it?

  
 


 
  2007.05.29  01.01


I feel like sometimes people go out of their way to confuse me. It's just, I dont know what to think anymore, ya know? The words say one thing while the eyes another. But that's the problem. People can lie with their words so easily, but you can't lie with your eyes. Unless you're blind...then your eyes don't do too much.

Ugh tangent.

I'm serious. Too many thoughts are whipping through my head right now and I'm tired of trying to understand them all. I wish people would just have the god damn guts to be straight with me.

Grrr.......I don't think slamming my head against the wall is going to do much for me, but it is worth a shot.

  
 


 
  2007.05.28  13.47


“No sooner met but they looked; no sooner looked but they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy”

-Willie Shakespeare

  
 


 
  2007.05.12  01.18


I just realized something. If I think about an event long enough...and hard enough...I can remember actual details of the event. Stick with me here, cause this is big for me. But, I was just able to remember a place, a time, and the feeling and the smells...it was amazing...

Idk. Im impressed. Maybe its cause im a little tipsy. Who knows. I need to do this more often. lol

  
 


 
  2007.05.05  21.11


Poofing is not something I usually approve of doing, but in certain light, I sometimes find it necesarry. The disconnect from people usually happens not out of want but necessity. For both parties, I think. No matter who severs the ties in the end.

I hate doing it though, cause I'm just trying to protect myself. I wish for once I didn't have to be afraid of hurting. It feels so inevitable though.

God damn these walls.



Music: Any Other World- Mika 		 
 


 
  2007.04.12  19.24


Ok, so, I want to start an engineering club of sorts. I'm sick of seeing crappy presentations and work after four years of paying the school thousands of dollars. I think I want to start a club, that teaches engineering students to make good presentations, know how to present themselves, and how to take better pictures. Yeah, it is mainly the last one lol, but I think it could be a really good idea. SOmething I could have used instead of the waste of time EGR 105 and 106 were. Trust me, Im never going to use MAPLE or MatLab again. Nor am I going to have to program a robot around a maze. That was a waste of money. I think, with the right people, this could be a good idea. Worth while idea for students anyways. I think I could bring mainly recent grads in to talk about the processes and things like that. Sort of a guidance club. Idk. The ideas are flowing. lol.

At least this week is finally over. Or just about. Im kinda happy its ending in rain. Wash away all this...stuff.

I even had to break out the CD...ya know the one, starts with Damien Rice and ends with Katy Fitzgerald's 'It doesn't get any better then this'. So, by the end Im in a decent mood. Everyone needs that kind of mix.



Mood: disappointed 		 
 


 
  2007.04.12  02.58


Too late,
Too sorry,
Too soon,
Goodbye.

  
 


 
  2007.04.09  21.44


I really don't understand why I'm so upset by this. I guess I was just clinging to something that felt like home.

Then again, that's not me. I don't leap then look. I So very rarely leap to begin with. God damn it, what's wrong with me lately??

  
 


 
  2007.04.01  20.45


She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
Then she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

  
 


 
  2007.03.26  19.07


I refuse to settle.

  
 


 
  2006.12.20  19.27


Ok. No more of this.Ready to move on. Lets go.

  
 


 
  2006.10.06  20.16


Dear Diary,

I have achieved my goal of the summer. I am down to a size 9 pair of jeans.

Go me.

Love,
Meg

  
 


 
  2006.09.14  02.22


So you tell me now, where do I go from here?

It really is your call now.

  
 


 
  2006.09.09  01.25


Ok, so week one...done. Only...alot more to go. I guess I shouldn't be rushing to get done with my senior year. Cause, when it's done...it's done.
I can't complain though, Mondays and Fridays off? Thats a freaking four day weekend every week...even though I will probably go to campus 1-5 times or so during those four days off due to various jobs.

Such as the Cigar for instance. Tomorrow marks the first home game for our favorite football team. Just kidding. They suck and everyone knows it. Come on, they lost 47-7 last week against UConn. Makes me sick.

DO YOU HEAR ME??? SICK!

Maybe they just need some guidance..or even, the presence of one wonderful photographer on the field in order to push them towards a win. Who knows. It worked sometimes last year. I hope they don't smell as bad. They always stink like the dead. Not that I know what dead smells like. I'm just assuming here.

I really don't know what these weeks are going to be like. Single...is a new thing for me. I really haven't been for the three years I've been at URI, so how do I be here..and be single? Is that possible? Does it work? Haha..I'm sure it will. Meghan Vendettoli don't need no stinking man to make her happy. Its just how I rock yo.
Plus, it gives me more time for other things. Like, attending the gym for one. I love going to my gym in EG. Working out (and being able to walk across campus with out losing my breath) is such an awesome thing. Plus, im starting to look a little better. ;) Maybe I'll be willing to pose in pictures in time for my 21st bday. Thats the goal anyways. Now that Im back on campus, I just have to start watching what I eat. Thats a big thing given the crazy ass hours I study/work. But, I love what i do.

Especially the Cigar. Cause we are allll so awesome. Plus, I've gone a whole week without really wanting to kill anyone. Go me! I think I've behaved for the most part. Although my words have been a little harsher then normal. I think I was just having an off week and those who showed me an ounce of weakness in a manner that left them open to attack got just that. So, learn your lessons. I'll be better in the weeks to come...I promise.
I must have some fun though soon. Fall is coming (my absolute favoritest season) and I want to take lots of pictures. Trips need to be planned. That sort of thing. Who is game?

Come on...you know you are. I can see that look in your eye...


PS. This is the most I've written in this thing in a while. Why? Who knows. It was overdue. Maybe I just wanted to let you know what is going on. Not that you deserve it. You should feel privilidged, honestly. So go on...feel privilidged now. Im gonna sleep.



Mood: cheerful
Music: Michael Buble 		 
 


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